Posts tagged "sincere"

my failure to taste childhood

Today i tried making a pizza.

i tried to make it out of healthy flatbread.

i covered it with jarred store-bought sauce

and mountains of mozzarella

i wanted it to taste like

those lunchables

because nothing

tastes like happiness

like sitting in a sandbox

and bragging about

your lunchable complete

with a dessert

my pizza didn’t

taste like that kind of victory

it tasted like cardboard, flattened sadness.

i threw it away and made pizza bursts instead

and they felt worse

so i crawled into my crowded bed

and ate three girlscout cookies

hoping that i could

achieve the goals of nostalgia

through my mouth

and straightened teeth

i hate waiting by the phone on thursday afternoons

i hate waiting by the phone on thursday afternoons

What was on my mind when he changed his name back

I don’t know why everyone likes cats so much. They can smell.

We made breakfast for dinner and got too drunk. You woke up with egg on your face.

If I was relaxed enough I would knit you a blanket to cover a double-decker bus.

He deleted all of my pictures from middle school onward. I don’t know if I regret losing those memories.


Every time a person says my name wrong, I wince.

I want to punch all women with too-pointy faces, dark hair and glasses.

I hope my kids hate those women just as much.

I wish I could fall in love with you or whatever (and I feel bad that you’re taking me out on a date tomorrow night although i forget your name)

I wish I could fall in love with you or whatever.

And we would go get coffee and talk about Sartre. But you would never know what the hell I am talking about so we would talk about television instead.

Then I would be less pretentious and more likable.

The world would love me more, probably.

The birds would sing happier or something.

We could buy a dog and walk it around the park and play frisbee with it.

Buy bottles of wine I know nothing about and eat funny sounding cheeses.

I’ll let you pay for every single date because you said you would.

I’ll cook dinner for you every night.

I’ll wear the apron my grandma made for me that isn’t stained enough to show any use right now and when we wake up the next morning I’ll make you organic chocolate chip pancakes that will blow your mind.

But we couldn’t talk about books.

Mostly because you never read.

Or you say you read, but you just watch the movie then act like you’ve read the book.

The we really couldn’t talk about philosophy or psychology or any of my interests.

We’ll go to a lot of music concerts.

We’ll start a dorky funny kind of ironic band together.

We’ll play a few shows at that bar we like.

And our friends will say they’re great together even though they’ll murmur that I am more attractive.

But I can’t like, fall in love with you. Because it just isn’t right, you know?

My first thoughts in the morning when I am still half asleep

I woke up and all I could think was: My bones are feeling hot. Like all melt-y and stuff.

I think there is a dormant volcano in my marrow.

I think it could explode at any time and just burst through my skin.

And there would be flecks of me everywhere.

It wouldn’t be as pretty as a supernova.

But the sentiment would still be there.

A list of unrealistic things that I want

I want a dog. A small dog. A dog that won’t smell or raise the suspicions of my landlord.

A never ending closet that has room for all of my dresses.

To graduate right now.

Eternal security. Not the kind you get when you’re with a person who actually has a job but the kind when you sleep at night you feel comfortable and safe and you won’t wake up in the middle of your REM cycle because you’re panicking about the future.

A dinosaur that is tame and can walk on the ice so I can ride it to class while scaring off my more disliked professors.

A refrigerator that is full of hummus and organic veggies.

A pair of black and sparkling shoes like the kind I saw when I was in California but they cost 60 dollars and I was way too poor at the time even though now I see my bank statement I realize I could have bought them and cracked my head open on my first time wobbling in them.

A bank account that has numbers that I like.

Solutions to my existential issues.

Something that can make me relax out of my own mind.

Freedom from boredom.

A really warm blanket and windows that don’t leak.

Give me one reason why I should let you take me home while I am drunk and confused

I know that I look good right now. I know that my hair looks perfect and that I’m glowing beneath these fuzzy party lights. I know that I am slurring  my words and I understand that I’m a little tipsy.

I know you think I am cute, but please tell me why I should go home with you?Make an appeal for yourself. I dare you. It shouldn’t be because you like my dress. The mannequin at the store likes my dress, but I didn’t go home with it.

It shouldn’t be because we both know the words to that really stupid song and that we might have had a moment screaming along to it. That happens every weekend. I mean really, it happens every time I’m in the car with my friends. It seems like it is special because people always have heightened emotion when they sing, like that time a few weeks ago we burst out into Tiny Dancer when we were laying on each others stomachs. It felt like it was something memorable, but really it was an illusion. Also it’s a drunken memory and those are the best anyways.

You think you like me because I am talking to you. I’m the only person who has tried to figure out how your mind works in ages and ages and ages and ages. It’s because I like to figure out the nature of people. I don’t want to know why you tick, but why everyone ticks. It’s just because I’m a student of character and I love watching and observing. That’s why I’ve been starring into your eyes. It’s not because I’m in love with your or something stupid like that.

You think you like me because I needed something to hold on to while I was stumbling around so I leaped from the sidewalks into the pocket of your stable hand so I wouldn’t fall down in front of the police. And then you thought that meant something so you bought me a hotdog covered in cheese and chips and other drunk stuff that I don’t even know and you thought you were going to get something out of it more than an unstable hug. I know that.

And now I’m here outside of your apartment, but I challenge you. Why should I go in? I can’t think of a reason. So you told me that I’m beautiful. I can stand on the corner and hear that. Come on, come up with something better.

……

……

Okay. Now I am getting cold and sleepy. Do you have like a couch or something?

A conversation that was interrupted by my own rudeness in his poetry class

how was your night?

Good- went

out / coworkers

to Welch Ave +

got home to

do HW til

late

you went to Welch Ave

w/o me?!

Did you get a pissed off

Japanese Farmer?

No a

Stella

You, Me&Clarissa

need to get a drink next week

too hip to quit.

I'm a 21 year old college student who is living in the state of Iowa.
I am currently using this site to explore my creative writing while occasionally re-blogging sources of inspiration.
If you have any more questions, feel free to ask.

view archive



Books I am Reading

Me

Ask me anything