The Thing (s) I can (could) never Tell You
This is exceptionally embarrassing because I am a 21 year old, strong, independent woman, and I hate to admit these things but there was a time where I just could not choke out those three words:
I like you
which is so stupid because I could tell anybody
and now that kind of irony makes me laugh so hard beer floats out of my nose
and now when I like someone I tell them immediately to their face
and I tell them and I kiss them on their mouth
and hard because I don’t want them to leave me but with you I couldn’t do that.
I had to hold those words between my lips like that loud secret
a party popper about to burst.
So instead of telling you directly
I asked you in a
what I thought was a coy text message
“What do you think of me?”
and I thought it was kind of sexy and playful and pretty perfect especially because I couldn’t stop (full stop) thinking about you (period).
which I took to be a sign that you were infatuated with me
(which- I found out much later - you were)
and your response was the nicest text message I had ever gotten
and it STILL is the nice text message I have ever received.
I didn’t want to get rid of my phone
because it was saved there.
When I felt bad
and knew you stopped caring about me
I saw that message
and realized there was a time when someone
actually felt that way about me
and I gazed
in some kind of stupid fairytale glee
“how the fuck could that have been me, how could I have been that person? was I that happy?”
And then I got depressed so I got a new phone and tried to delete your number- but I saved your text in an e-mail address.
But I could never tell you
and I will never tell you
how much those words mean(t) to me.