sweaters & swears

Update- Ugh… Figuring out how to sort this out

I was supposed to graduate this semester. 

I was supposed to graduate this semester with honors.

I was supposed to find a job for the fall.

And an apartment.

Instead I fell apart and every possible way.

Instead of studying for my finals and completing my semester projects, I ended up unconscious in a hospital. 

I can’t read as well as I could before.

It takes me much longer to write.

So I dropped out of school yesterday. A drop this late is usually unheard of, but it was approved.

My grades don’t count.

I won’t be taking my senior finals.

I’ll be back for another semester. 

I’m writing this for my practice because so many people have been asking me what I will do next year. 

I won’t be working a full time job. I won’t even have my degree. I’ll be back in school completing my senior year.

It’s a second chance and I was only able to get it because of my hard work and my dedication. 

So I’ll be happy for this and thankful for the safety this new path contains.

But I am still going to be sad because I still feel as though I failed myself. 

I’m still coming to terms with all of this. There are many real things that I am trying to understand and many significant events I am attempting to assess. 

But I don’t care, because I am alive and that’s what matters right now.

Expecting a break up

And it sucks

Mental health check

Sometimes I wish people would check up on me to see if my mind is still working.
Existence check.
I just got done crying in the shower.
It was a very selfish act.
I have no towels and no underwear.
I feel powerless.
Writing this makes me feel far too immature for my age.
How self-centered can I be?
He was talking to me today and I started to sob.
I told him to hold me for a minute.
A grasp can only last as long as the length of hands.
It is never long before I struggle out.

Cartographers

I thought I had lost you

In my backyard

next to the mulberry bushes

beyond where I had remembered

the distance of my breath drew.

Let me lay there

in the patch of your drawn shadow

marked by the familiar footprints

of our mapmaking secrets. 

Goals for this year

1. Be more sustainable. This means culturally, socially, and economically. I really need to work on reducing my consumption and working on saving. If I do consume, I want to support businesses and organizations that help build my community. In this, I also want to be healthier in what I eat, consuming mostly local produce and less processed foods. I want to walk and bike more and drive my car less. I want to actively help my community be more sustainable through my messages in my job and in my personal lifestyle choices.

2. Get a job. I don’t really care where. I don’t really want to work in the food service, but I will take what I can get. I know where I’m going to live for the rest of this year, I just need to figure out what to do. With this goal, comes the fact that I need to figure out a way to market my skills. I have an impressive résuméfor someone my age, but my résuméunfortunately is loaded primarily with soft skills. While these skills are invaluable, they are not often what comes up in job descriptions. 

3. Stimulate my intellectual fervor. I have been denying myself of this far too much lately. I need to increase my reading time. I seem to read a lot when I get upset. This fall I read over one book a week, but since then I have slowed down. I need to continue to feed and develop my curiosity. I need to explore new topics and teach myself about the world.

4. Study for my LSAT and retake the exam. My law school plans are going to be on hold for the time being, but they won’t be pushed aside forever.

5. Become more involved in my community. This will not only be a way to network, continue my work, and to strengthen my résumébut also a way to gain the skills I need to contribute to my community in the future. I am so happy for the opportunities that have been opened up to me, and I am so excited to get involved with two boards this year. I need to continue with this and volunteer so I can truly give back.

6. Write more. After I took my poetry class last year, I lost all of my desire to write. Writing became a process. It wasn’t natural. It was forced and contrived. It has been difficult for me to write since this course, as I now over-analyze each word in each piece I try to compose. I miss writing. I want to do it again.

7. Attend class. Enough said.

8. Stay on top of my correspondences. I seem to do well for a little bit, then I tend to abandon my other forms of communication and forget to speak to my friends who aren’t in sight. I don’t want this to continue to happen.

9. Stay clean and organized. Like saving money, this has been a challenge for me. I need to take it slow by keeping up daily. I just need to continue to do this.

10. It’s cheesy, but I want to stay with my S-O. I am in love and I am staying for it, so needless to say, it needs to last a while.

I woke up while he was asleep and I could barely move

I want to be with you always. Please tie your shoelaces to my ankles so I can fall into you.

Grab me so tight so I can’t breathe and I can die a little in your arms.

Be my fast lane, smooth soul partner in crime busting up everything I hated about myself.

Things I have been thankful for this year

1. This has been a year of amazing employment. Nannying two Boy Scouts on a miniature pony farm sounds like the plot of a MPDG-type novel I would read. It was so much fun and I accomplished what I wanted to- giving those boys an unforgettable summer. My job with the Sustainability Department has also been unbelievably perfect. I live everything about it and it makes me eager and excited for the future.
2. Putting my life back together. Early this year I peaked in my loss of control. I was encouraged to move beyond it through supportive friends. It has taken a while to heal from all of the trauma, but I feel wonderful now.
3. Support in professional development. While I am still terrified that I will become a sad statistic once I graduate this upcoming year, I really have been able to network this year. I have received mentors in the area of politics, sustainability, event management, and community development. I know that these skills will allow for the employment opportunities I desire.
4. Helping with a campaign. Even through it didn’t end how I wanted it to, I learned so much from my experiences. I understand what it takes to run a campaign. I have learned how to respectfully treat volunteers through my own rough treatment. I learned how to work in an environment where I wasn’t valued and learned how to push my way through for a greater cause. Was it humbling? Absolutely. Did I learn a lot? Yes.
5. Going beyond a desire for pure sexual freedom and finding something more meaningful. I wanted to own my sexuality this year and really control it. I honestly wanted to sleep around with whoever I wanted to whenever I wanted to. I feel like I had denied that part of my college experience. Unfortunately things didn’t work out that way. I ended up in yet another toxic relationship that I didn’t even really want because I was terrified of being alone and afraid that no one could ever find me worthy of affection. After the relationship ended, I thought that there was no hope for me and I became very comfortable with the concepts of being alone and loneliness. But immediately after these thoughts, I found someone who is incredible, someone I love, and someone who loves me. I still can’t believe it.

I can’t believe that this year has brought me so many amazing things. While next year will contain a drastic change, I am ready for the challenges and so excited to see what these challenges will make me become.

A friend once told me that if she found nude pictures of me floating around on the internet she wouldn’t tell me because that’s definitely some freaky thing I would do.

We don’t talk anymore.

That’s why I don’t maintain certain friendships.

Not because I burn people out or because people can’t handle me or because people hate me *, but because after being cheated on, lied to, having a facebook group started about me, I actually value loyalty.

Which is also why I have moved on from the middle school theatrics of my high school friends and the shit show of my freshmen year friends.

Because as I grow as a person, I want the people I surround myself with to reflect that.

And if that reflects some instability, I’d rather be fucking crazy.

*this note is all a personal rant after hours of cooling off. Those are things my father told me and he still hasn’t apologized so I’m still not very happy with him.

an uncomfortable enocunter

We sat across one another, cross-legged, in the middle of the field. Twenty-something-year-old hipsters swarmed around us trying to find the next “it” band, a bite of vegan victuals, or a speck of shade.

Minutes before we had spotted one another as the crowd cleared out. We waved at one another, seeing each other for the first time  in nearly a year. I extended my hand and tried to mutter, “Hello old sport” just like in The Great Gatsby. He glanced at my hand and said, “Come on now” as he went in for a hug. My lips brushed against his bicep, leaving a reddish lipstick stain. I frantically tried to wipe it off as I apologized, feeling strangely guilty for touching him again.

We had nothing to say to one another. We mentioned how awkward the situation was and how uncomfortable we both were. It was obvious and it didn’t need to be said, but we needed to fill the air with some commonality so we could both forget where we had been. “A lot has and hasn’t happened since the last time we saw one another”, he told me.

I couldn’t respond. Instead I asked him to sit on the ground beside me. He pulled up a piece of earth. We avoided eye contact. He told me that he still felt guilty about everything. He said he felt bad whenever he thought about me even ten months later. I told him it was okay. There was nothing but good vibes. I was glad because if we had still been together, I would have sheltered myself in my room, pining over his invisible figure.

Our friends approached us and I couldn’t choke out the years worth of words that were locked behind my lungs.

We said we would keep in touch.

What I did today

Today, for the first time in over a week, I felt better. Not fully functional better, but better.

I walked my dog and watched a marathon ofAwkwardthen I watchedMean Girls.

I felt like an adolescent girl.

I felt like I had a disorder where I was stuck in childhood.

Then I realized there really was a disorder for this

called arrested development.

I looked up alternative birth control.

I really want to get an IUD but I am terrified of the pain it might cause because I have not been pregnant.

I might get an implant.
I want to get something without hormones, which is why the IUD sounded so fantastic.

My parents tried to get me to go outside.

They begged me to get ice cream with them after telling me that I had gained weight and smelled bad.

Those were not good things to tell a person with social phobias.

I wished I had a library card or had gotten my books out of storage so I could at least be reading, but my eyes stinging too much to read anyways.

Invasion

My mother has been sneaking into my room every morning to make sure I don’t have any water on my nightstand and to ensure the cleanliness of my room.

It’s very invasive so I’ve been keeping my door locked.

She’s taken to unlocking my door while I’m sleeping so she can get in and move my shit around.

She’s gone through each one of my drawers, trying to figure out where I put all of my stuff.

I am glad the bottle of gin I bought is still in my closet.

She took my Kindle charger, which is okay because I haven’t been using it, not okay because she doesn’t have a Kindle, and not okay because I bought a new one.

She told me if she finds water in my room again she will charge me 50 dollars.

I don’t think that’s legal.

I changed the passwords to all of my accounts out of fear.

All I can think when I hear her rummaging around in my half-awake state is

“Fuck I hope she can’t find the acid in my underwear drawer. Fuck I hope she doesn’t throw it away. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.”

I don’t know where to hide it.

At least at my old apartment I hid it in the freezer with my organic waffles or veggie burgers.

I’ve been alone for too long right now: a tirade about e-mail, communication, and human interaction

After a week of being surrounded by exceptional people, I have succumbed to yet another bout of isolation and a tiny bit of sadness.

While I was in an environment of positivity, I have come to realize that those surroundings aren’t sustainable. I tried to emulate the same attitude. I tried to continue to promote positive change. I e-mailed everyone I was supposed to. I followed up with every single person, individually. I have not heard back from anyone and it’s been a week. It’s so frustrating when you’re trying to make a difference and you’re bogged down in people who won’t take the two minutes to respond to your e-mail.

E-mail and the internet have been my only forms of social interaction lately. It’s been a passive form of socialization, but I live far away from most of my friends, and I need to be focused and studying for my exam. However, I’m just getting depressed and I am not enjoying the present company of my very (and increasingly) conservative family who also do not subscribe to fostering a positive environment.

I’ve become dependent on e-mail for friendships. It’s the one of  reasons why I got rid of Facebook; I didn’t want to rely on technology to continue my friendships. However, these e-mails have come to be the bright spot in my usually monotonous day. And so many of my friends are really, really shitty at responding. I had been e-mailing one of my freelancer friends (hem hem unemployed). Although I was chaotically busy at the time, I still took the time to make a response and when I saw something that reminded me of him, I sent an additional e-mail, unprompted. When he still didn’t respond days later so I called him out. He replied in a snippy, condescending manner, suggesting that I had gotten too used to instant gratification and I needed to be patient with him. It’s now been over a week, and I still haven’t heard a response. If I ask him again, it will be the third time I ask him to continue our correspondence. As much as I crave the interaction, my dignity is not worth that much.

The people I love are busy. They always have been. I have come to realize that people won’t often make time for me. It’s a simple fact. It’s why I have a difficult time, a very difficult time, saying no when people ask me to hang out. It’s because I am not a person who is thought of. This is not a “woe is me” realization, but just a point of fact. I jump at those brief moments of interaction because I do spend most of my time alone. I am perfectly fine with this, though. I am very comfortable with myself and I really enjoy my own company.

While I have learned to love myself and relish my own existence, I still need that other human element. But this is really difficult for me. Through this past year I have learned to lower my expectations. It’s been one of the most important and most difficult lessons I’ve learned and I still haven’t mastered it. It has been a struggle because it seems to contradict the altruistic values that I desire. By refusing to have expectations for others, to me, seems like I view them so low, I refuse to even set a minimal goal for them. I hate that feeling, but I know without these boundaries, I will never be disappointed.

It’s the kind of attitude I need to continue to adopt more fully. When my ex texted me the other day, not completely out of the blue, but a little bit randomly, claiming he would e-mail me in the near future, all I could tell myself was that he would not e-mail me. He still hasn’t, and I am going to continue that mindset. This is an example of where the boundary is working, because now this guy isn’t going to have the opportunity to mindfuck me.

Even so, I hate that I spend the time attempting to write out these e-mails and scarcely getting a response. Although I am supposed to have no expectations, it still hurts my feelings. I have even extended beyond my normal scope and I have attempted to start dialogues with people outside of my normal social sphere. 

I know that this isn’t the most personal kind of interaction, but for me, this is the closet personal boundary I can handle right now. I would ideally love to make phone calls and develop more personal interaction with individuals, but I have come to realize I can’t. The phone is too personal for me and I get too attached. It’s strange, but I feel this comfort with the screen. Maybe it’s because even though I know the people I am writing to, I still feel strangely anonymous. It makes me feel safe and less judged. I also enjoy the fact that through e-mail, as opposed to phone calls or even instant messaging, you have to actually think before you compose your words; you have to have something to say. At times, I struggle to find words and I grasp for conversation. While I am quite comfortable in silence, I hate feeling forced to fill that gap. Dead air in phone calls rarely works. Empty space in instant messaging feels rude. Through e-mails, I feel like I can successfully interact while following social norms, while still maintaining my boundaries.

Ultimately it doesn’t take very long to let a person know their thoughts and actions have been reciprocated. But rarely to people actually do this.

I know I need to get out more, but again, none of the people I e-mailed about volunteering have e-mailed me back. It’s all a conundrum.

The moment you must give your parents advice

and look at them and tell them that

they are being immature and childish

is the instant you become an adult.