Mind Reading in Second Grade and Beyond
Sometimes when people look at me directly in the eyes I get really paranoid that they can somehow read my mind. I feel like they can flip through all of my dirty thoughts and see the pages of hateful thoughts that seem to permeate my mind.
I’ve had these feelings forever. Sometimes, when I would think about something that was deemed inappropriate, I would instantly look around to see if anyone was watching me. If I saw anyone meet me in my eyes, I would try to change my thoughts as soon as possible. It turned out to a problem that merited a different solution.
Have you ever tried to not think about a pink zebra? Yeah. It was kind of like that.
Like at dance class when I was in 2nd grade. I adjusted my underwear so it would not show underneath my leotard. We were told not to wear any underwear with our tights, but I didn’t feel comfortable walking around commando. When a parent talked about panty lines, I began to dwell on it, especially as she puzzled why my underwear could not be seen dripping out of the legs of my uniform, unlike the other girls in my class. I began to analyze the other girls in my class. I stared at their asses to see if they were like mine. That’s when the mom began to look at me and I tried my best not to think about butts or underwear. She came over to me and adjusted my leotard. I knew for sure she could tell what was on my mind. For the rest of the class all I could think about was how uncomfortable my underwear was.
The paranoia, for some reason, overtook me as a child. Not only would I monitor my speech, because as every elementary school child is told, you’re not allowed to say a lot, but I also would police my own thoughts. If they strayed to the dark or the dirty, I would immediately feel guilt and project my guilt on others, as others actually looked at me.
However, it’s a fear I still face today. It’s almost as if I’m nervous to let others in; that little bit that lets them know how I really feel about them.
It’s why I love it when people give me full-on, hard, revealing eye contact. I feel as though they can cruise through my mind and sort through my thoughts. I love it when I feel like I don’t have to talk, that somehow through a prolonged glance, they understand my exact sentiments. It makes me feel kind of naked and exposed but also kind of great.
I’ve embraced my nervous nature. Now it’s a powerful quirk that allows me to feel like I am in far more control than I actually am.