Tell me that I’m Pretty. Please just tell me one time without a smirk on your face or so I will fuck you later.
I woke up feeling worthless
because I wasn’t pretty.
My
chin
swallowed up my
neck.
A man asked me to flex my arms for him.
I hooked up with his roommate a few days before.
He was the one who originally hit on me
and invited me into his house.
He told me to show him my
arms,
while he was laughing
spitting beer all over my face.
I said no.
The guy I hooked up with asked me
the same question
later in the evening.
A cassette played in my
head
filled with violins
stringing paranoia
broad across the bow
in pitch perfect eerie vibrato.
I undressed that night
posed in front of my mirror
and analyzed my body
for fat content.
I hate all of me.
My
arms
are too
wing-like for a human
If I was an angel it might be okay.
My
stomach
mocks me as it bounces
over my jeans.
My aunt told me that
I was lucky to get the
calves
from my
father’s side.
It means that
I can wear boots
that slide past my
knees.
She said
sorry babe, you have the
thighs
from your
mom’s side.
In gym class in 6th
Grade a boy asked why my
legs
jiggled.
He smiled.
His
head
was smaller than
my right
thigh.
His
hair
was high-lighted
copper
a stale penny.
I didn’t wear shorts for
four years.
I only wear
shorts in public
with tights
so no one can
comment on my
thighs
that move
even though I have stopped.
In tenth grade
all of my teachers asked me
if I was losing weight.
I ate a pack of crackers a
day and woke up at 5:00 in
the morning in order to
bike 20 miles before school started.
I told them that I hadn’t.
Anorexia was
the in color that season.
We all came back
from summer break
tanned and slender.
We compared weight
and
breast
size in the
bathroom before
band concerts.
My
arms
were slender
for the first time in
my life.
I weighed too
little to give blood
or get a regular period.
I weighed 50 pounds
less than I had in middle
school.
I loved the taste
of hunger.
The upperclassmen
told me that I was
pretty.
They told me
how they would masturbate.
I would turn red and
try to walk away.
Sometimes I will
never be worth
more than my
appearance.
I keep my
hair
long
as it is better
than my
face
is.
Because my
chin
is
just too large
for my small
face
that really wants
a
body
to be
at an un-healthy high school
weight.
